Lessons Hidden in Sibling Arguments

“Mom!” It’s the one word that I hear most often throughout the day—more times than I care to count. It is frequently followed by some kind of complaint about a sibling.

“Mom, she took my pencil.”

“Mom, he is sitting in my spot!”

“Mom, she looked at me!”

“Mom, he hit me!”

All of the sudden, a normal Thursday morning has turned into a full-scale investigation and court room drama over a pencil, a seat, or who hit whom first. I sometimes feel like I spend just as much time—if not more—refereeing sibling disagreements as I do teaching them reading and math. Some days, I find myself wondering, will they ever learn to just get along? But recently, God has been working in my heart to view these moments a little differently.

What if sibling arguments are not just simply interruptions to whatever expectations or plans I have for that day? What if these arguments are moments and opportunities for discipleship? Underneath the arguments over toys, snacks, or whose turn it is are hearts that need to learn humility, forgiveness, repentance, patience, kindness, self-control, and grace. If I’m honest with myself, they are not the only ones learning.

Sometimes, while trying to teach my children to speak gently, forgive quickly, and take responsibility for their own actions, I realize that God is asking the same things of me. The truth is, I may not be arguing over a pencil or who gets which seat, but I still have plenty of opportunities to use these same lessons. I may not say “that’s not fair” out loud, but I know the thought has crossed my mind. When things do not go the way I think they should or someone gets the recognition I thought I deserved, my heart can respond just like my children’s.

That’s not fair.

The lessons are universal. God is always reminding me that following Christ isn’t about getting what I deserve. It is about learning to trust Him, practicing humility, and considering others more than myself—especially when I do not feel like it or I think they have wronged me. It is easy to justify my own response because of what someone did. They started it. They were rude to me. They shouldn’t have said that. Maybe all of that is true, but I am still responsible for how I respond. My children’s arguments remind me that being wronged does not give me permission to respond wrongly in return. As an adult, I know that forgiveness can be much harder than saying the words. Sometimes the offense is much bigger than a stolen toy or an unkind comment. Sometimes the hurt lingers, but the call to forgive does not disappear.
The grace that I ask my children to show each other when they are arguing, is the same grace Christ has extended to me. It is easy to tell my children to “use kind words” when I am not the one who feels wronged. It is harder when I am the one who is frustrated, tired, or hurt and maybe that is when gentleness matters most. It is easy to be kind when things are going my way, but the true test comes when they are not. Our children are watching how we handle difficult people and moments in our lives and they are learning from what we do even more than from what we say. Maybe that is the point. I started out by wondering when my kids would “finally just get along,” but now I think God is using those moments for my sanctification. To show me areas of my heart that still need some work.

I still need to practice humility.

I still need to forgive.

I still need to repent.

I still need to choose gentleness.

I still need Jesus.

Maybe sibling arguments are not just a chance to disciple our children’s hearts. Maybe they are also a way for God to show us areas where we need to become more like Christ. I think that is one of the most beautiful, important, and difficult things about parenting. While we are busy discipling our children, God is quietly discipling our hearts as well.

Together in Christ,

Katie Meyer